The Rambles of a Mad Pokemon Collector

I ... I can still see the cuts... just as fresh, red, and angry... seeping blood... as the day I did it to myself..


... the scars aren't to visible... faded mostly.. but I can still see them...

junior year of high school was the worst year of my life... I was so depressed... so miserable, so lonely.... I did it multiple times that year...


I recently did it again... not to recent... last year..


I've been to scared to tell anyone... but I think my friends may know...


I was caught the day after I first did it... but I told her cat scratches... fearing that she told another friend... I texted that friend and told her... cat scratches.


I believed that they bought it... but then again... how clean and straight can cat scratches get?




.... and all of a sudden... the misery... the pain... the loneliness... everything I experienced... felt... in junior high... has just flooded me...


I want to cry... but I can't... I want to sob until my cheeks are raw and my throat threatens to bleed...


but I can't.... the tears just wont come...


instead... I'm left with a throat thats tightening... hurting...

haven't updated in a while huh?

well... recap of recent happenings...

went to Fanime on saturday, picked up some old '97 pokemon roller stamps that still work and an electrivire pokedoll. I also bought Miyu a purple and black hair bow as part of a birthday present but gave it to her after con to cheer her up a little because hardly anyone knew who she was (she cosplayed the broken neck lady from the fatal frame games) and she seemed really happy with that.


I've also bought a lot of things from y!j Auctions of pokemon things... majority are birthday presents for Miyu and Ari... some are for myself too.


blerblerbler....

Miyu, Ari, and I are getting into the idea of doing game plays and such and throwing them up on youtube. Who knows, if I manage to scrape together enough money, I'll buy myself a Dazzle for macs and then I can really record nice game plays instead of pointing my Zi6 at the screen.

right now I'm waiting for both Ari and Miyu to come over... Ari should be here after fixing herself and her mother some dinner and Miyu will be here in a couple of hours... she'll be staying the night too.

shes also bringing her PS2 and some games.. <3~

The maple pan I picked up in SF tastes SOOO good~ I'm gunna see if I can't pick some up at CSM...

also~

I've started a Video project... it wont be done until I'm in Japan cause I need some footage from that ;)


hopefully I don't manage to screw it up somehow XD


maybe I'll show what I have so far? it isn't much...


uploading the video... fiddled with the settings so its much better quality ;)

the video~:





my Lucario and Riolu pokedolls came... SOOOO SOSOSOSOSOSOOO small and adorable ; 3; I LOVE the material ... so soft and pettable.. I just love them ; 3; <3

I gained... 5 pounds in a week? what.the.fuck?


ughn... this fucking sucks... it was hard to get that five pounds off the first time..


I'm not going to eat today or ever anymore. Its just easier that way.


at least I have class tonight that'll make me feel like I did anything good...


ughn....

I ate way to much for lunch and too late too...

dinner will be ready soon T 3T I'm such a moron....



anyways... just sitting here waiting for registration to open for me so I can sign up for Japanese and math... sadly I'm going to be going to Japanese alone T 3T both friends who said they would can't now...

and I'll probably just be used because I'll know bare basics...

well with one friend I'm fine with helping her ...


ah well... anyways... the faster I get my credits and GPA... the faster I can apply to TUJ and the faster I apply to TUJ the sooner I'm in Japan...


I'm just getting really tired of having people look at me and thinking or even saying out loud to me that they don't think I'll do this that I'll give up half way..

I'm tired of being doubted, I'm tired of people trying to talk me out of what I want to do. I'm getting just... so sick and tired of it.


it often feels like I'm going against the entire world with wanting to do what I want with my future..


I just wish I had some support... instead all I get is doubt...

Walked about 3 miles this morning with my friend~ she also found this old hoody she hardly wore and the best news? I fit it and its actually a little lose :D which is awesome news seeing as how I use to never even fit anything of hers :D so I AM losing weight/inches~

but its a really cute hoody... camo with black lace~ but... sadly it isn't hoody season anymore ; 3; spring is getting to warm to even wear t-shirts.. - A-;;

uhgn... my face is slightly burnt... and my feet have blisters... and I've covered basically both feet in band aids... XD


I'm so tired... I feel like I just want to skip gym tonight... but I shouldn't. Sides... I think it's to late to call and have them cancel me coming in or rearrange today's class ... ah well...

ughn... tired.

Anyways.. yesterday dad and I went out to Sears to get a new dryer because our old one (20 years old at least...) finally crapped out a few days ago... we got one that seems to be simple enough for me to remember how to use it..

So we picked it out, paid for it, and opted for shipping, delivery, and haul away the old one.

Sept I wasn't awake (passed out accidentally after dinner) when Sears was suppose to call and schedule the delivery and no one has told me when... or left a note telling me! I have to play the waiting game :/ its so annoying because I REALLY don't want to deal with the delivery and installer people because ... I'm socially retarded D:

So thats my little annoyance for today...


anyways... we also went to the County Square Market too after Sears... picked myself up some UCC Coffee... its cold coffee in a can with milk... it tastes alright.. sept I can still taste coffee bitterness.. XD so its not excellent to me... and I also picked up this other stuff that I can read the name of... but its Iced Coffee with Milk in a plastic bottle.... and holy crap there is not enough milk in that stuff ; 3; tasted nasty...


I'm starting to get really antsy and excited... over two things....

1) Summer/Fall semester registration on the 13th... next month is when I start summer classes. I start Japanese and I take my math class.. but I still need to figure out how I'm getting to school = A= if I can bum a ride from my friend (who is also going to Japanese with me)'s sister.. or figure out the bus schedule again...

2) BJD related... Heliots have started shipping somewhat... either way it means that Ambers will start to ship soon and then Glatis and Glots... I'm awaiting a blank Amber head with human body from one split and from another her wig (I keep forgetting about getting that wig!) and then I'm awaiting a Glati directly from Soom, Glati will be coming with a face up, wig, and eyes.. I also have ordered an outfit for him and shoes. I already have an outfit for my Amber, just waiting for shoes and a cardigan I got for her at the same time I got my Glati's clothes and shoes.


so those are my two happy points...


ughn... I hate how I watch these videos from TUJ students, or anyone just recording their Japan... it gives me a tinge of... as stupid as it sounds... home sickness... now I'm not a weeabo that thinks Japan is all mighty perfect... but I just can't help but feel a little down... but I just need to work hard on getting my credits and raising my GPA... and then I'll be able to get to TUJ and spend the first 4 years of my 'adult' life ... stressing out about money and stuff 8D

its funny... me going to TUJ can be seen as a double blade sword... on one hand, the degree I recieve from them is seen by TWO governments... the American Government and the Japanese Government.. it gives me an expeirence I'd probably wont have any other way (being a college student in anything but a community college... if that makes sense), I'd get to live in the place I've wanted to visit for ages...

but on the other hand... I'll constantly worry about money... constantly worry about tuition being paid, paying for books and supplies. After the first semester (3 months) TUJ kicks you out of the dorms so you have to find your own housing... so that'll also put on the stress of having the money for a monthly rent, utilities, etc. etc.

I really don't want to do the stereotypical gaijin thing though and become an English teacher... but I guess if thats the only way I can get a paycheck... then I guess I'll have to bow my head and suck it up and teach English.. I mean... there is nothing wrong with teaching English.. I'm not knocking it or anyone who does teach English, but for me to teach English? yeah... its difficult for me to even teach a friend how to knit.. so I wont be the best at teaching..

I also hope that I'll be able to spare some money to do a week visit or something to Tokyo next year... uhhhg... probably wont happen because I need literally ALL my money to be saved... because of Tuition for the first semester needs to be paid ALL up front... thats 16k right there... THEN I need to proove I have access to 3mil yen... THREE MILLION YEN... which right now translates to $30,000usd... THIRTY THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS.... UGH UGH UGH UGH! >_< the 3mil yen is to prove that I wont be a burnden to the japanese tax payers... and that'll give me my student visa...


maaan... I need a job :/ two... or three XD


anyways... I think this is getting long enough ... :/

so since I had that weird rash type hive break out Saturday, we washed my bedding (sheet that goes over the mattress, three pillow cases, and my soft green micro plush/fleece blanket (that I was so paranoid it'd pill up when washed)) my pjs (tank top and bottoms) and my only bra I can find at the moment...

Saturday our dryer decides to die. I'm not told until its time to go to bed... and apparently it crapped out in the afternoon (while I was zonked out from the allergy pill I took.) ... so instead of taking soaking wet things out of the DARK ENCLOSED DRYER she left them in their and was surprised when they weren't dry.

its now Monday and my bedding is now JUST starting to really dry... they should be fine by tonight to put on my bed...

but I had to deal with dusty smelling bedding in the mean time D<

seriously... if I had been told the dryer is fucked, I would of taken my crap and hung it up to dry :/ but no... to late... DX



I want to be active today D: I want to run on the treadmill, but dad is home sick and is taking up the living room... if I get on that, he'll make some smart ass comment, make me feel like shit/stupid and make me not want to do anything else today.

Seriously, I try to do something good for myself (use the treadmill/elliptical, drink a little more water, etc) they make these stupid smart ass comments which make me feel stupid or like crap, I get EVEN MORE self conscious, and not want to do it again.

:/ humph...


at least tomorrow is class at the gym... I've been looking forward to it for a while now ; 3;


its funny... a few years ago, I hated going to the gym to the point where I'd make up excuses to skip out on it... now I want to go to the gym and go to the class and be active...


the year I dropped out... actually December when I dropped out I fell into a routine... I'd wake up around 11am, eat (maybe), hop onto my computer until bedtime, which was anywhere from 12am-4am.... every single day, all the time.... for MONTHS.


yet I still feel like I'm on that routine... but I now WANT to go out... but I hate this neighborhood so I don't even feel safe to walk OUT of the neighborhood to walk somewhere... I DO NOT want to drive because there is just WAY to many stupid people out there driving and I don't see the point in learning to drive only to leave to a country where you'd be stupid to drive in a big city like Tokyo.



saa.... anyways... credit card is completely paid off and I'm no longer spending any money that isn't school related money. I have to wait till the 13th to sign up and if there is any sort of god I BETTER be able to sign up for the math class I want. It aligns PERFECTLY with Japanese... its the same days at Japanese and its only like... 15 or 30 minutes AFTER Japanese...


Though Solano... how long you plan on having MySolano down for maintenance? seriously fuckers, its been what... two weeks you've had that down?

oh and I FINALLY got my catalog for summer/fall.... at least I got one this semester.


oh and the game that I picked up a while ago, My Japanese Coach.... apparently has fucked up with a couple of characters.. I decided to do the writing mini game, where you write the Hiragana or Katakana characters without any guidance or being shown what the characters are before hand... me being the cheater I looked at the cheat sheet card, like... three or four times I was wrong but in front of me it was right... so I reply it and have charts up from the internet, two different websites... those same characters, WRONG!

so yeah... I'm glad I'm not using that really to teach me Japanese but basically as a review help.. I am picking up a little on grammar and sentence structure (I'm using that word loosely with the sentence structure XD) and I'm okay with spelling but get tripped up sometimes (the character will say the word, you spell it out... but the thing is... its technical sounding... er... not human sounding, robotic...) so I get confused, can't understand one thing... ga sometimes sound like sa or su and such... (yeah I know... wtf?)


saaaaa........ I want to work out... I want to go to school.... I want to go to Temple...

NOW.... D:



... gods I've listened to this song so much right now... its calming and relaxing... but I can't help but feel a little bummed/depressed listening to it... ; 3;

This post is just a little reminder for me of what I'm waiting on.... purchases of official items, commissions, etc. so you can ignore this if ya want to.



April:
Waku Waku Fair re-release Lucario pokedoll Arrived
Re-release Riolu pokedoll Arrived






I plan on trying to get at least one plush of my Platinum team by the end of the year... either official or custom made... so~

Lucario: X
Raichu:
Manectric:
Electivire:
Jolteon:
Luxray:

Test Test